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Raccooned/Transcript
Garage (The garage door shows us the title of the episode. Bill and Cricket open it.) Bill: grunts All right, let's get started. Cricket: Yeah! Wait, what are we lookin' for? Bill: Your Gramma's old teddy bear. I'm hopin' it'll calm her restless spirit. She's been having her nightmares again. Green's House (Cut to Gramma sleeping in her bed.) Gramma: snoring (Talking in her sleep, she rips one of her pillows in half.) You think poison can kill me?! Now kiss me, you fool. snoring Garage (Cut back to the garage.) Bill: shudders Cricket: (He runs off in the garage.) All right! Let's go find it! Bill: Hey! Wait a second! Cricket: (searches in a box full of light bulbs) Not here. Not here. Not here. (He looks in an old gramophone, where spiders crawl over him.) Not here. shudders (He gets tangled up in a hose.) Not in here. (He trips.) groans (He tries searching in a plugin using a fork.) Maybe in here... Bill (OS): Cricket! Cricket: (drops the fork) Huh? Bill: Well, you're not gonna find it randomly rummaging through everything. It's best if we take a slow, methodical approach. Cricket (OS): Found it! Bill: Huh? Cricket: Gramma's teddy. I found it! See? (He points to a shelf, where an old, worn out teddy bear is sitting.) Bill: Hmm. Lucky find I guess. All right, let's think this through. I could get a ladder and-- (A wrench falls on his head.) Ow! Cricket! (Cricket is climbing up a pile of old stuff.) Cricket, get off of there! You're making a mess! Cricket: Don't worry! I've got light feet and perfect balance! (He slips.) Whoa! Ooh! Ow! chuckles (He continues climbing.) Bill: Dang it, boy, it's not a race! Ugh! (He gets a ladder.) Cricket, I'll get it. Cricket: No, it's okay! I'm almost there! Bill: No, no, no, let me... Cricket: Dad, I got it. Bill: Cricket, just let me do it. (Bill and Cricket both get the teddy bear. They look at each other.) Bill and Cricket: Huh? (They fight over it.) Bill: Come on. Cricket: I spotted it first. Bill: You're gonna hurt yourself. (Bill and Cricket's arguing causes the ladder and the pile of old stuff to lose their balance, and Bill and Cricket fall.) Bill: Cricket! You okay? (He sees he's holding a raccoon.) Raccoon 1: chitters Cricket: (comes out of the pile with another raccoon on his head and another on his back.) Aw, look at these little cuties. Bill: Cricket, no! (He grabs the raccoon he was holding.) Raccoons are awful, vile creatures! Cricket: Nonsense. (He grabs the raccoon from his back.) You wouldn't hurt a fly, now would you? Raccoon 3: growls Cricket: Aah! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! (He gets them off him.) Bill: Aah! (He also lets the raccoon he was holding go.) Raccoons: growling (They angrily stare at Bill and Cricket.) Cricket: Oh, my gosh, Dad, you're right! (Closeup on the raccoon's features as Cricket describes them.) ''Those horrible, beady eyes. Snarling, wet mouths. Gross, grabby hands. '''Bill:' I though Gramma took care of them years ago. Cricket: They've been here all along, getting stronger. Raccoons: growling (One of them throws a rock at Cricket.) Cricket: Ow! They're trying to kill us! Bill: Cricket, stand up! We have to assert our dominance! Bill and Cricket: yelling Raccoons: screeching (They leave the garage.) Bill: No way, it worked! Whoo! Cricket: laughs (The raccoons go into the house.) Bill and Cricket: gasp Green's House Cricket: Oh, no, they're everywhere! (One raccoon knocks off a container of laundry detergent. Another raccoon scratches a door, until it sees the family dog, Phoenix.) Raccoon: growls Phoenix: whimpers (Another raccoon steals Tilly's sandwich.) Tilly: sighs I saw a crow this mornin'. I knew it was a bad omen. Bill: Oh, jeez, this is bad. If we can't get them vermin out of our house, we may not even have a house! We'll have to live in the garage. And that's where the raccoons live! Cricket: Get out of here, you mangy rats! Raccoons: chittering (They go deeper into the house.) Cricket: Oh, man, they're goin' deeper into the house! Dad, what are we gonna do?! Bill: I've got a plan. Those raccoons won't know what hit 'em. Cricket: You're gonna hit 'em? Bill: What? No. We're gonna-- Cricket: Ooh, boy, gonna fight a raccoon! Bill: Cricket, that's not the plan. Cricket: Gonna mutilate some-- Wait, that's not the plan? What's the plan? (Cut to Bill laying down a cracker with peanut butter on it.) Cricket: Peanut butter? What the heck is that for? Bill: We'll use it as bait to trap those varmints. chuckles Cricket: Ooh, bait! I like the sound of that. Bill: Gotta make sure the cage is nice and sturdy. Cricket: Ooh, yeah. Sturdy! Bill: Then we hide around the corner. Cricket: Hiding! Oh, yeah! Bill: '''Then... we wait. '''Cricket: All right! We-- Wait? Bill: We wait, and we wait. Tick tock. The passage of time. Any minute now. Or could be hours! Who knows? Round and round goes the clock, but we stay still. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Cricket: grunting Bill (OS): Wonder if we got anything yet? (Camera zooms in on the cage.) Nope, not yet. (Camera zooms out.) But that's okay. Raccoon: chitters (He sniffs out some food and jumps on top of the cage.) Bill (OS): Ooh, hold on. Here comes one now. Cricket: gasps Finally! It's happening! Raccoon: chitters (He puts his hand through the cage, grabs some peanut butter and licks it.) Cricket: Huh? Dad, he's not goin' in! The trap's not workin'! Bill: He'll go inside. Just be patient. Cricket: I don't got time to be patient! (He jumps toward the raccoon.) Bill: Cricket, wait! (He grabs Cricket's straps and rips them off.) Cricket: Huh? My pants! grunts (He falls and bumps in front of the side of the cage, startling the raccoon away.) groans Dang it! He got away! (His overalls fall down.) I almost had him, Dad! Why did you trip me up? Bill: The trap was gonna work, but you got in the way! Cricket: Nuh-uh! You got in my way. (The sound of the cage door is heard closing. We see that Tilly accidentally got in the trap and ate the rest of the cracker.) Tilly: Y'all have more of these crackers? Cricket: Well, Dad, your traps ain't workin'. So I'm sorry, but I'm just gonna have to cut ya loose and handle this myself. Bill: Oh-ho, is that so? Well, fine by me. Clearly, I'd do better on my own. Cricket: Oh, yeah? Well, we'll see. Bill: Yeah, I think you will. Cricket: Oh, it's on. Bill: You bet it is! Tilly: Can I help? Bill: Of course, sweetie. Cricket: Yeah, fine, that's okay. Tilly: Dandy! (Cricket gets out a hose and makes it into a lasso. He notices a raccoon.) Raccoon: chitters Cricket: Huh? screams (He charges after the raccoon.) (Bill puts a jar of peanut butter in his belt and sets out another trap. He folds out his trap map. Suddenly, raccoons run over his desk.) Bill: Aah! (Tilly disguises herself as a raccoon using black paint over her eyes like a raccoon mask and a raccoon skin hat, making her look like a raccoon.) Tilly: I am now one of them. (Bill lays out a trail of peanut butter crackers leading to his trap, while Cricket, still chasing the raccoon with his hose lasso, unknowingly crushes one of them.) Cricket: laughs I'm gonna get you! Bill: groans Cricket: (about to lasso the raccoon.) chuckles Gotcha cornered. He accidentally steps on another one of Bill's traps, dropping a laundry basket on him, which gives the raccoon a chance to escape.) Aah! (He peers out of the basket.) Bill: (thinking he caught a raccoon) Gotcha! (He sees that it's just Cricket.) Oh. (Cut to a raccoon gnawing on a bottle of Splish soda. Tilly is sitting next to him.) Tilly: Hey. I don't know if you've noticed, but I am also a raccoon. Bill and Cricket: (chasing after a raccoon) screaming Tilly: I got a funny question. What are your weaknesses? I definitely won't use that information against you later. (The raccoon doesn't answer; he just continues gnawing on his bottle and puts it in his mouth. Tilly hands him a piece of paper.) You can just write it down if you're shy. (Cut to Bill and Cricket chasing a raccoon into Gramma's bedroom.) Bill: gasps No! That's Ma's room! (Bill and Cricket peek inside and find the raccoon rubbing Gramma's face while she's sleeping. Cricket: Oh, my gosh! Gramma, I'll save you! (He charges in with his hose lasso.) Bill: Cricket, no! Gramma: (awake and running out with the raccoon tied to her head.) Aah! (She gets the raccoon off her and angrily turns to Bill and Cricket.) Which one of you fools let raccoons into my house?! (Bill and Cricket point at each other.) Gramma: grunts (gets out a sword from the floor) Stay here! Grammy's got this! yells (She proceeds to fight the raccoon.) Bill: Ma, wait! (Gramma aims at the raccoon with her sword, but she accidentally cuts the lamp. Two other raccoons hangs out at one of Gramma's drawers. One wears a fur hat, the other wears glasses. Gramma aims at them again, but she accidentally puts a dent in the dresser.) Gramma: Come here, you varmints! yells Bill: (He chases after Gramma, then comes to a sudden halt and notices a raccoon with a broken ear and a scar on his left eye about to get into his trap.) Huh? My trap--it's working! (Just as the raccoon is about to go into the cage, Cricket lassos him.) Cricket: chuckles Hooray! I caught it! Bill: What are you talking about?! My cage trapped it! Cricket: Well, sure, after I slowed him down! Bill: He was literally in my trap! (As Bill and Cricket continue arguing, Tilly and a raccoon look on top of a shelf.) Tilly: Oh, humans. They're crazy. Am I right? (Another raccoon jumps by and takes Tilly's hat.) You didn't see nothin'. (The caged raccoon sends out a big, loud screech, letting out yellow-green sound waves. Bill and Cricket cover their ears.) Bill: Aah! (Tilly puts her hat back on. The sound waves reach outside the house.) Gramma: Oh, no. It's happening. Big City Alley (Two raccoons are fighting over a slice of pizza, and two others are digging through a dumpster. They stop when they hear the screech. Another raccoon peeks out from a trash can.) Big City Park (Some other raccoons come out from behind trees when they hear the screech.) Big City Sewers (Raccoons' eyes light up in the dark when they hear the screech.) Green's House (A whole horde of raccoons come charging into the house. Some go in through a window, some go in through the chimney, others come in through a crack in the wall. They march right towards the Greens.) Cricket: Oh, my gosh! We're surrounded! (Two raccoons free the alpha raccoon from the cage. They angrily back the Greens out of their house.) Alpha raccoon: growls (He closes the door.) Cricket: Wow. Kicked out of our own house by a bunch of raccoons. Nice work, Dad. Bill: Me?! You're the one who kept messin' up my traps, which would've worked if-- Cricket: Oh, really? Maybe in fantasy land! I'd be an old geezer before those traps work! Bill: Don't you dare, boy. You're bein' about as helpful as another raccoon. Gramma: Shut up! It's both your dang faults! Your squabblin' ain't gettin' us anywhere! Tilly: If only we were more like the raccoons. Gramma: Huh? Tilly: I lived amongst them. I learned how organized they are. (Cut to the raccoons going through the cupboards as Tilly is speaking.) When they work together, they can accomplish truly amazing things. (Cut back to Tilly.) And you know what else we could be more like? (Cut to a river.) A river. A river flows and flows. It never-- (Cut back to the Greens.) Gramma: All right, Tilly, we get it. Tilly: Okay, Gramma. Gramma: The girl's right. There was a bit of nonsense at the end there, but a lot of truth. We gotta work together as a team! Tilly: We'll need to combine Gramma's experience, my overwhelming physical strength, Cricket's assertiveness, and Poppa's patience. (Bill and Cricket look at each other, then turn away.) Bill: Fine, if I must. Cricket: Worth a shot, I guess. Tilly: (hugging Bill and Cricket) That's the spirit! Gramma: And I'm a fresh lollipop as well! Now can we get a move on? Garage Gramma: (opens the door) All right, gang. Suit up! (Cricket grabs a bucket, Tilly grabs a shovel, Gramma grabs a helmet, and Bill wears a cardboard box for armor.) Green's House (The raccoons mess around the living room. Some raccoons go through a dresser, others try out a recliner. They stop when they hear banging. Gramma kicks the door open.) Gramma: It's garbage day! (Bill, Tilly, Cricket, and Gramma all show their weapons and armor.) Gramma: And it's time to take out the trash eaters! (The raccoons scatter around the house as the Greens chase after them. Cricket chases three raccoons into one of Bill's cages.) Cricket: Wow! I did it! chuckles Bill: Wow! I did it! (As Gramma chases a raccoon, Tilly catches it with her shovel and tosses it in the trash can. Tilly and Gramma give each other a thumbs up. Three raccoons get caught in a net, three more get trapped in the trash can, and five more get caught in a cage. Bill puts a lock on one of the cages.) Bill: Looks like I trapped 'em all up. Cricket: You mean I rounded 'em all up. Bill and Cricket: (staring at each other) Hmm... Bill: Nice lasso work, I guess. Cricket: I suppose it was strategic to have a trap there. Bill: You could say we trapped them all. Cricket: Yeah, sure. Tilly: (being carried by the alpha raccoon) Um, I think you both missed one. Cricket, Bill, and Gramma: Tilly! Tilly: (The alpha raccoon runs off to make out with her.) Help! My disguise was too good! He wants to marry me! Gramma: He's trying to escape out the back door! (Just as the alpha raccoon is about to escape, Gramma's sword slams it shut. He runs off in a different direction.) Cricket: Quick! He's heading for that hole! Dad! We gotta work together! Bill: (with courage) You're right. Let's do this! (He lassos Cricket, who is holding one of Bill's cages, towards the alpha raccoon.) Cricket: Take your time! Choose your shot! (Bill releases the lasso, sending Cricket flying towards the alpha raccoon.) Cricket: Aah! Alpha raccoon: (He sees Cricket and drops Tilly.) in fear Cricket: (throwing the cage at the alpha raccoon) Hiya! (The cage successfully traps the alpha raccoon, and Cricket lands on it.) Cricket: (giving Bill a thumbs up) chuckles Bill: (picking up Tilly) chuckles (He gives Cricket a thumbs up as well.) Big City Park Cricket: Well, Dad, we did it. Bill: We make a pretty good team, son. Cricket: Agreed. Although, I don't know why we argue so much. Bill: Probably 'cause we both think we know best. Cricket: No, no, that's not it. It's probably 'cause we both think we know best. Bill: Hmm... Well, anyway, time to do what's best for these raccoons. (Bill and Cricket open a big cage full of the raccoons in the back of their truck, releasing them into the wild.) Cricket: Back to the wild with ya! We did a good thing, Dad. Bill: We sure did, son. We sure did. Downtown Big City (The raccoons cross the streets, which makes a car crash, causing fires and people screaming. A raccoon angrily screeches in front of the camera.) (End of transcript.) Category:Episode Transcript Category:R Category:Season 1 Transcripts Category:A-Z